A tale of a fail mage

Now I have mentioned in the past that I have a level 80 mage.  She is known as fail mage.  Now I don’t say this as part of a self depreciation type thing.  That is what fail lock is for.  This toon really is fail.

It isn’t just that I don’t really know how to mage, because maging is quite simple, it is much more than that.

First of all it is her spec.  She is in a bastardized frostfire spec.  You know, the spec that was big with Naxx.  Yeah so that is the first thing wrong.  The next is her spell power.  She is barely over 2k.  This is with self buffs AND a flask of the north on.

She does awesome pyroblast crits of 7k!!

I know!  Please take your seats again.  Yes I know that was exciting, but really I must insist that you sit back down and calm down.

You would think having a 32% crit (without buffs) would garner more, but alas it does not.

Anyway on with the story!

So last week (Tuesday I think) I queued up fail mage for Direbrew (the pocketwatch is an upgrade & I wanted it.  Shut up) and got a group.  I could tell something was off right away.  First of all the tank (a pally) started the event but then just stood there.  Knowing how I am a mage and I will pull aggro like nothing I waited to cast until the tank had started attacking.  When she did I popped off a living bomb and started up a scorch.  With the first tick of LB I had aggro.  I immediately STOPPED dpsing and ran towards the tank (yes I always forget to pop my cooldowns, bite me) who BTW didn’t even bother to taunt the boss off me.  To make matters worse I wasn’t getting a single heal.

Eventually my aggro was surpassed by someone else and I managed to stand in the back at like 25% health.  I popped a health potion and my herbalism heal.   Still not getting any heals btw.  Checking to make sure the tank has aggro I pop off another living bomb to GET AGGRO AGAIN!  This time I was too low health and I died.  The item drops (it is the pocketwatch) and I pass on it not thinking.  Before I can even type out a request to get a rez the healer and the other 2 dps drop group.  The pally tank is still in the group and I whisper her asking for a rez.  She zones out, but doesn’t drop group.  The moment I release, she drops group.

This death run is the biggest pain in the ass.  Not only did I die for no good reason, but my group members were complete assholes about it.  Now mind you this is all in the little time I have before our raid time in SR.  Fail mage is on another server (and faction) so it isn’t like someone could queue up with me and save me this.  Luckily (or not, depends on how you look at it) I was in vent and bitching up a storm.  They were, of course, laughing at me.


I decided to make the most of the death run and get the quest to pick up the key quest for BRD.  I make my way to the guy, pick up the quest (not read it mind you, just grab it) and while I am running off wonder why the quest guy has a blue question mark (repeatable quest) over his head.


He doesn’t.

Unfortunately I was completely oblivious to this as I made my way back into BRD and then teleported to Dalaran.  Still not looking at my quest log or really *thinking* about what I had just done I logged out and popped onto Tattia for the raid.

The rest of the evening goes on as per normal with my guild and I go to bed still oblivious to what is going on.

Wednesday rolls around.  I log into fail mage to again queue her up for Direbrew.  I get in a group (pocketwatch does NOT drop.  I was seriously kicking myself for passing on it before) and things progress as normal.  Good news!  The tank actually tanked and the healer actually healed!  I did not become a pile of fail mage on the ground.  I was planning on going from the bar to the rest of the instance to get the hammer so I could get the key.

That is when I just so happened to look at my quest log.


So now I needed to kill myself, RUN BACK, and complete the quest so that I could do what I had originally set out to do.


No biggie, I can just jump into the lava.  Then I can take some pretty pictures.

I start making my way out of the bar and the first mobs that I can’t just walk past are those fire elementals.  Now I was pretty sure that they were immune to fire, but just to be positive I popped a living bomb on them.  Ok cool immune.  Good thing I had my frost bolt and frostfire bolt on my task bar.  I hit frost bolt, 2k.


On a level 51 elite mob that should by all accounts be weak to frost only took 2k damage from my frost nuke?!!?!


I think I had to spam frost bolt like 6 or 7 times before the fucker died.  At this point the one next to it pulled and I had him chewing on me.  For the record Cone of Cold SUCKS.  At least with the second mob I used frostfire bolt (only partially immune!) and hit the dude for, wait for it . . .



Now before you all jump on me and ask me if it is down ranked, the answer is NO it isn’t.  These are the max level spells.

I finished killing the fire guys on the bridge and then jumped off.  I hit slow fall and just started snapping pictures.  Then I had to wait for the lava to kill me.

BTW swimming in lava is quite fun.

So now that I am making my 2nd death run in as many days I am trying to figure out how is it that fail mage is seriously this fail.  She is in 4 piece tier 9.  She really shouldn’t be THIS bad.

I get back in and complete the quest, and accept the CORRECT part of the quest (I still can’t believe I did that) and make my way back inside.

Luckily Blizzard kept the mole machine teleporters in the front of the instance so I was able to easily get to the bar.  Now I just had to figure out how in the hell to get to where I needed to go.

As I was making my way through I had to kill the mobs.  Not because I wanted to but because they aggroed from a mile away.

Let me reiterate this:

Level 51-53 elites aggro my level 80 mage.

Yeah I wasn’t happy either.

I popped living bomb on each mob (except for those hateful fire elementals) and the mobs weren’t dying.


Max rank of the spell, not doing enough damage to kill a level 51-53 elite.

I had to blast wave and THEN the resulting free flamestrike killed them.

It was very painful making my way to where I had to go.

I am happy to report that I did in fact get the quest completed.  Someone must have felt sorry for me because the quest mob had patted right to the entrance so I didn’t have to kill all the golems in the room to get to him.  Who knows how long I would have been in there had that been the case.

So now fail mage has the Shadowforge key.

I am NEVER getting rid of that fucking key.